Journal Entry from June 2010
No one understands what it’s like to fight with your own mind, every day, to hate who you are, to feel guilty for feeling bad. To want to go to sleep and never wake up. How sleep is the only place you can escape, but then you can’t even escape there because of the nightmares. How you feel like the world is moving around you, spinning so fast out of control, and you’re just stuck. How no matter what you do or how hard you try, you’re never going to be happy or make other people happy. How you have absolutely nothing to offer anyone. You’re insignificant, a pest, you cause more problems than help people. Nobody wants you around; you’re the black sheep of the family. How the only time you feel good is when you’re drunk or high or on pills or hurting yourself. How it feels good to bleed. How you start to feel proud of your scars and wear shorts and watch people stare. Like it? It’s fucked up and you can see it. Now you’ve gone to the hospital and everyone knows you’re the crazy girl. They don’t know how to talk to you. They look at you like you’re made of glass and you’ll break so they don’t bother with you because they don’t wanna break you. You’re pretty, you’re smart, you’re in grad school, but it doesn’t matter. They tell you that you can do anything or go anywhere because you’re so talented but they don’t understand. You can’t do anything because the thought of it paralyzes you. Because everyone is smarter better prettier than you and do it effortlessly and you will never fit in.
I feel like there is a monster inside me.
